Four Things I Wish I Knew Before I Had Sex The First Time
For a country that ranks 6th in the top ten most populous countries globally and 1st in Africa, we are terribly closemouthed and narrow-minded about sex. People like to act like they do not get a little bit of sexy time behind closed doors, yet every other week, someone is christening their newborn. We asked women to share their experiences navigating the myths surrounding their sexuality and femininity. The responses we got helped us to understand the different ways that these myths left women unprepared to handle their first sexual experience.
1. It’s okay to feel horny:
“I used to think it was a big deal to feel horny and all. Being horny is normal... it's not something you can always control.” – Felicia
Religious and cultural influences make you feel like a daughter of Jezebel for having just the tiniest lustful thought. Whereas, biological science shows that it is normal for women to experience horniness. Your horniness will not bring about the apocalypse; neither will it upset the balance between good and evil. You cannot turn it on and off, so you might as well get used to it.
2. Women can and should find pleasure in sex:
“The narrative painted by society is that men love and enjoy sex while women mostly endure it, or just have sex to please the men in their lives. I've discovered this isn't true at all. Many women enjoy sex but may be regarded as loose or wayward if they admit it.” – Odun
Due to purity culture, many women still struggle to reconcile sex as a physical activity that requires their active participation and not something that is done to them. You can tell with the words they use to describe the act. For example, you will often hear women say, “I gave him sex” instead of “we had sex.” Sex can and should be as enjoyable for women as it is for their male counterparts. You will find that things get even more interesting when you take an active role in finding your pleasure instead of just going along for the ride.
3. My body, my choice:
“For a while, because things I have heard and experienced over time, I couldn't feel any sense of worth for myself, especially my body.” – Ogochukwu
Every woman has the right to express bodily autonomy without fear, discrimination, backlash, or violence. She has the right to make decisions over what happens to her body or not. That includes, but is not limited to, sexual matters; the choice of who to have sex with, when, where, and how is entirely yours to make. Your body deserves to be respected, and no one should take that from you.
4. How to practice safe sex:
“One of the elders in the church once told me that sex was a sin, and as a born again Christian, we shouldn't have premarital sex. This elder made me feel like the worst youth in the fellowship because I'd have sex with my boyfriend. Well, I believed him until I had an honest and mature group conversation about sex. I began to live a double life until I got pregnant, and my aunt announced it to the church elders. Since then, I've been like the devil reincarnate among the other youth.” – Ini
Sexual responsibility is important for any woman within reproductive age. There is no shame in exploring your sexuality, but if you must do so, do it safely to prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancies. Sexually active women should have an honest conversation about their sexual history with their partners, get a reliable contraceptive plan, and do periodic STI tests.
We have our work cut out if we want to stop younger women from making the same mistakes we did. If you didn’t know about these before you had sex the first time, it is now your responsibility to ensure the cycle ends with you. Let us work together to dismantle the cycle of shame that comes with female sexuality.
Disclaimer: For the sake of anonymity, all names used in this article are fake and have no bearing on similarly named persons in real life.